I once heard about a person who had a two-year rule when it came to relationships. Upon entering a new romantic connection, regardless of their emotions and thoughts, they decided to wait for two years before committing to marriage. Their rationale was that nobody can maintain a perfect “image” for such an extended period.
In various social interactions, whether it’s a job interview, meeting a new neighbor, or joining a playgroup with other parents, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible light. I’ve observed friends engaging in flirtatious conversations with strangers, marveling at the effortless dance between them. I’ve witnessed how they gradually forge a connection. Initially, it’s all about champagne and roses, with both parties believing that nothing could ever alter their feelings for each other. However, as time goes by, those once adorable and endearing quirks become irritating and bothersome. What changed? Life happened. I believe their approach is flawed. It should not solely revolve around how the other person makes them feel, but rather what they are willing to do to ensure the other person’s happiness. I like to remind myself that the exhilarating and excited feeling we call love is constructed upon the fantasies we create in our minds. Hollywood and romantic fiction have consistently fed us stories of “boy meets girl,” “girl meets girl,” or “boy meets boy.” It doesn’t matter who meets whom, but the point is they meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Yet, in this fantasy, X or Y never question how they can contribute to each other’s happiness.
As I write this, I’m reminded of a movie that premiered on Hulu last year, “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande,” starring Emma Thompson and the charming Daryl McCormack. It revolves around a retired school teacher whose husband passed away recently. In the movie, she hires a sex worker to help her explore her sexuality. Filled with inhibitions and nerves, she starts asking him questions, to which he patiently responds, “Nancy, this is about you.” I mention this to remind myself that love is all about selflessness and not about me. I firmly believe that love and commitment involve the conscious decision to prioritize the happiness of the other person.
Re-reading M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled. He writes two statements that I find very profound. “Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.” and he defines love as “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Just a quick edit: I not sure I agree with the two year rule at my age…