Escape

It’s heart-wrenching to witness loved ones and friends facing life’s challenges, and feeling utterly helpless to assist them. Whether it’s family strife, financial troubles, or their personal battles I’ve been entrusted with, I understand the profound pain, sadness, and confusion that can leave you paralyzed, unsure of the next step. The advice I’ve received, though difficult to accept, urges me to keep moving forward, even if it is feels like only a tiny step. I need maintain a real perspective, stay present in the moment and out of my head. They tell you, care of yourself physically with rest, exercise and good food. And at times I have sought professional. And I suppose, over time, they do aid in healing. But when you feel stuck, you feel stuck, and breaking free feels insurmountable.

At times, the darkness seems all-consuming. Yet, even when the light at the end of the tunnel is imperceptible, fighting to emerge into that light is crucial. The key is to keep forging ahead, and keep telling yourself tomorrow will be a better day.

May we never go back into those dark places from which one fought so hard to escape.

Home

Have you ever encountered a location that resonated so deeply, that you know it’s where you truly belong? For me, that special place is Dublin. With Saint Patrick’s Day on the horizon, the longing to return has intensified. I refer to it as home because, to me, Dublin embodies that comforting sense of belonging. I really miss the sights, sounds, people, green grass, and history. The craving to be back is like a physical ache.

Dublin is Where My Heart is Thus Home

Suffer

“To Suffer Terribly & to Know Yourself as the Cause that is Hell“

Jorden Peterson

Have You Read

Did Gary Chapman’s groundbreaking book, “The Five Love Languages,” make it’s debut in 1992? WOW how time fly’s! I believe this publication has help transform how individuals perceived interpersonal relationships. I encountered it years ago, as a mandatory reading while in marriage counseling during my first marriage. It was strongly recommended in counseling sessions during my second marriage, though my second husband, did not read past the first chapter.

I personally delved into the book on both occasions and revisited it about a year ago. At the very least, the book assists in pinpointing factors that contribute to happiness, contentment, and fulfillment within a relationship. Recently, I revisited the self-assessment test at the book’s conclusion. Once again, Words of Affirmation emerged as my primary language of love. Acts of Service and Physical Touch, trailing slightly behind Words of Affirmation, claimed the positions of my secondary love languages.

I am uncertain to the validly of Dr. Chapman’s theory on “filling up your partner’s tank,” however he has sold a significant of books and marriage counselors recommend his book. In case you haven’t read his book and just want to take his self assessment test at the end I thought I would share it.

The test comprises 30 pairs of statements, necessitating the selection of only one statement from each pair. Jot down the corresponding letter for your choice and, at the conclusion, tally the occurrences of each letter. Your primary love language is determined by the letter with the highest score, while others rank accordingly based on their importance. If one or more languages closely trail but score lower than your primary, they become your secondary love language(s).

The Five Love Languages Test
By Dr. Gary Chapman
Read each pair of statements and choose the one that best describes you.

A. I like to receive notes of affirmation from you.
E. I like it when you hug me.

B. I like to spend one‐on‐one time with you.
D. I feel loved when you give me practical help.

C. I like it when you give me gifts.
B. I like taking long walks with you.

D. I feel loved when you do things to help me.
E. I feel loved when you hug or touch me.

E. I feel loved when you hold me in your arms.
C. I feel loved when I receive a gift from you.

B. I like to go places with you.
E. I like to hold hands with you.

A. I feel loved when you acknowledge me.
C. Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me.

E. I like to sit close to you.
A. I like it when you tell me that I am attractive.

B. I like to spend time with you.
C. I like to receive little gifts from you.

D. I know you love me when you help me.
A. Your words of acceptance are important to me.

B. I like to be together when we do things.
A. I like the kind words you say to me.

E. I feel whole when we hug.
D. What you do affects me more than what you say.

A. I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism.
C. Several inexpensive gifts mean more to me than one large expensive gift.

E. I feel closer to you when you touch me.
B. I feel close when we are talking or doing something together.

A. I like you to compliment my achievements.
D. I know you love me when you do things for me that you don’t enjoy doing. TURN OVER

E. I like for you to touch me when you walk by.
B. I like when you listen to me sympathetically.

C. I really enjoy receiving gifts from you.
D. I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.

A. I like when you compliment my appearance.
B. I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings.

E. I feel secure when you are touching me.
D. Your acts of service make me feel loved.

D. I appreciate the many things you do for me.
C. I like receiving gifts that you make.

B. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your undivided attention.
D. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of service for me.

C. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift.
A. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful words (written or spoken.)

D. I feel loved when you help me out with my chores.
C. I know you are thinking of me when you give me a gift.

C. I appreciate it when you remember special days with a gift.
B. I appreciate it when you listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.

B. I enjoy extended trips with you.
D. I like to know that you are concerned enough to help me with my daily task.

E. Kissing me unexpectedly makes me feel loved.
C. Giving me a gift for no occasion makes me feel loved.

A. I like to be told that you appreciate me.
B. I like for you to look at me when we are talking.

C. Your gifts are always special to me.
E. I feel loved when you kiss me.

A. I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate me.
D. I feel loved when you enthusiastically do a task I have requested.

E. I need to be hugged by you every day.
A. I need your words of affirmation daily.

A. Words of Affirmation B. Quality Time C. Receiving Gifts D. Acts of Service E. Physical Touch

Curious as to my scores? A: 11 B: 5 C: 1 D: 7 E. 7

Feel free to share your scores

Puzzles

The other day, I borrowed a 1000-piece puzzle from a friend, today I decided to start assembling it. Puzzle enthusiasts have various methods of sorting pieces—some opt for shapes, while others, like myself, prefer sorting by color. However, it’s common for most people to start by connecting the puzzle’s edges. As I searched for and interlocked these edges, I reflected on how our lives resemble puzzles. Much like assembling a puzzle’s edges define its boundaries, we establish connections and boundaries in our lives.

Puzzles come with different borders—rectangle and round being the most prevalent. However, there are those puzzles with irregular borders and even rare puzzles that are three-dimensional. If you liken your life to a puzzle, do you conform to the norm with a rectangular or round border? Or do your life’s borders take on irregular or three-dimensional forms?

Life experiences can create well-defined borders, akin to rectangular or round puzzles. On the other hand, experiences can blur your boundaries into irregular shapes, making it challenging to determine where your limits lie. In such cases, people may unintentionally bump into your boundaries, resulting in potential harm for either or both parties.

Then there are those extraordinary lives that transform the complexities of life into a magnificent three-dimensional creation. Only the creator understands the pains endured to piece it all together. Yet the casual observer only sees a masterful, robust, and functional masterpiece. I aspire to be such a three-dimensional creation.

Competency

Today, I received a notification about the upcoming automatic renewal of my domain name in a few weeks. Reflecting on the past year, I acknowledge some progress, yet I still feel a lack of competence. To me, competence involves making commitments and facing fears head-on and not crumbling into a mass of emotions that leave me incapable functioning. I experienced this sense of competency during my trip to Dublin. With the help and encouragement of my daughter I organized my flight, accommodations, and itinerary. Despite the pleasant encounters, like discovering my divorce lawyer on the same flight, and his offer of assistance in Ireland if I need it, I navigated a foreign country and city alone, boosting my self-esteem.

However, as I review the year, lingering fears persist. I care too much about others’ opinions, unresolved conflicts persist in my relationships, and self-doubt lingers. Trust issues and the desire for a meaningful relationship remain, yet I find myself sabotaging potential connections. Recently, someone noted that I handle problems as if I was totally alone. I am alone, while I have a supportive daughter nearby, I hesitate to burden her. My friends offer assistance, but no one really knows nor do they grasp the intricacies of my life. So, it is true, I am alone no one but myself will suffer if I make the wrong decision, no one is there to support me, no one will reassure me that “everything will be ok”. So yes, yes I do make decisions like I am alone because I am alone.

One thing I have learned this year is that understanding the roots of emotional issues isn’t a panacea for behavioral or cognitive change. Despite searching for a magic formula in books, courses, counselors, or elsewhere, the lack of feeling competent persists. Recalling past mistakes, I grapple with trust issues, extending even to myself. The journey to feeling comfortable in my own skin appears complex, with no clear guide or solution. The only way I seem to be able to function is to shut down emotionally, if I refuse to allow feelings to surface I can function, I can protect myself from being hurt, I can make decisions with little inter conflict. Unfortunately, I present as a cold hard uncaring bitch. Plus I am not totally sure its all that healthy to shut your emotions down.

I just recalled memories of my paternal grandmother, Ma Peek. She exuded a stern demeanor, and in her presence, her sons would stand up when she walked into the room. Despite her sternness, I always knew that Ma Peek loved me unconditionally. I once even accidentally wrecked her car, but she showed no sign of upset – if she was, she didn’t reveal it. I witnessed her shed a single tear only once, beside the casket of my late uncle, her son. She confided in me, “Just because I can’t show it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.” All her pain seemed bottled up, and she struggled to express it She passed away within the year, a woman who had minimal health issues; her body seemingly shut down. I firmly believe she grieved herself to death. This only reinforces my belief that suppressing emotions isn’t the path to internal peace. However, allowing emotions to run unchecked isn’t the solution either. There must be a balanced middle ground.

Public

Last week, I made the bold decision to unveil charpage to the general public. The primary motivation behind this move was a realization that I no longer wished to conceal myself. I’ve come to understand that there’s nothing for me to be ashamed of, despite a significant portion of my life being dedicated to keeping secrets.

While I haven’t chosen to completely open up, I will still keep certain thoughts and feelings reserved for either myself or those who have invested in my journey. Through my platform, I hope that anyone who stumbles upon it can, at the very least, identify with aspects of their own life journey and realize they are not alone.

I laugh at my definition of going “public,” which was essentially involved adding www.charpage on my Facebook profile. Taking this one step at a time, I acknowledge that a journey begins with a single step, much like eating an elephant bite by bite.

As I write this brief post, a sense of peace envelops me, accompanied by a newfound confidence. I am establishing boundaries and refusing to let others’ judgments crush me. Recognizing my own worth, I am uninterested in others’ opinions of me. There’s no need for anonymity; I am a survivor. Although I may still grapple with trust issues and interpersonal relationships, those who love me understand and support my development into the person I want to be. I think I now understand M. Scott Peck’s definition of love – “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Memories

I recently confided in someone about the vague and limited nature of my childhood memories. Unfortunately, they struggled to comprehend my experience, expressing disbelief with a simple “I don’t believe you.” Lacking the appropriate words to articulate my condition, I decided to delve into research this morning. I discovered Dissociative Amnesia, a real phenomenon serving as a coping mechanism for traumatic events. It appears to be treatable, with many individuals reclaiming their lost memories .https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9789-dissociative-amnesia

However, I question the significance of attempting to recover memories that my mind evidently suppressed as a means of self-preservation. The lack of those memories doesn’t bother me, as far as I am concern they can stay buried in my subconscious. What unsettles me even more is being labeled a liar simply because others fail to understand or possess misinformation. Perhaps the more pertinent inquiry should be why it matters so much for others to believe me.

While I am aware of the events that transpired and the roots of my personality issues, I wonder if treatment to recover my memories would alleviate my struggles with relationships and trust. Despite, self examination and seeking a spiritual help, in addition to mental health professionals including antidepressants these actions have not provided me with complete resolutions. If there were a guarantee that unearthing traumatic memories would eradicate interpersonal issues and instill trust, I would eagerly pursue it. Unfortunately, no such assurance exists. So again question would recovering and reliving childhood traumas really help me?

Despite these efforts, the adage by M. Scott Peck that “Life is difficult” remains profoundly accurate.