The lyrics to the song “The Sound of Silence” portray a profound message. It begins with the haunting words, “Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to meet with you again.” It has been said that identifying a problem is often the first step towards finding a solution. However, in the case of fear, a familiar companion, this notion seems elusive. I have come to recognize that fear has been the underlying cause of many of my struggles. Yet, despite this realization, I find myself unable to break free from its grip. Fear pervades my thoughts and actions, manifesting as the fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear being unlovable, fear of not having enough, fear of trusting, and fear of emotional pain. Fear has dictated the course of my life, much like a tornado that engulfs everything in its path. The storm clouds of fear loom, and suddenly chaos ensues, tearing apart what I hold dear and leaving me with remnants of shattered dreams.
I often wonder if this level of fear is experienced by other adults. Do they question every decision? Does fear hinder them from pursuing their desires? Perhaps age plays a role, and as I grow older, caution becomes a natural response. Indeed, my older friends have shared their own tales of caution. But where do we draw the line between a reasonable amount of fear and an excessive one? Did growing up and living without boundaries contribute to my inability to find answers to seemingly a simple question, like determining what constitutes too much fear or too little? In my younger years, fear didn’t hold me back; I was fearless, doing things that now seem so foolish. But now, caution seems to dominate my actions, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart. Yet, here I am, opening myself up to potential heartbreak, yearning to experience love while simultaneously fearing that such a desire exposes me to heartache and pain.
Yet, I remind myself that I am 65 years old. How much longer will I allow fear to dictate my life and deprive myself of a fulfilling existence? Wasn’t the purpose of venturing into online dating to avoid cheating myself out of finding true love? I have longed to discover a man who can reciprocate the depth of love I am capable of offering. I still remember some of the kindest words my ex-husband spoke during the divorce, and they echo in my mind, “Charlene, I hope you find someone who will love you in the way you deserve.”
So, with these thoughts swirling, I strive to break free from fear’s grasp and embrace the possibilities life has to offer.