Anticipation, a delightful sensation of looking forward to something with great pleasure. It evokes excitement and perhaps a hint of trepidation. Lately, I’ve been told that I tend to overthink things, a trait deeply ingrained in my personality. While I acknowledge this tendency, I struggle to change it. My anticipation has always been accompanied by the fear that my hopes might not materialize—an attitude likely rooted in my childhood, a defense mechanism of sorts. Although I have always thought this negative outlook has served me well, it’s not the most fulfilling way to experience life.
I’ve developed a remarkable ability to set aside my emotions and tackle emergencies head-on, a skill that has proven invaluable, even life saving, in my role as a dental hygienist and an American Heart Certified CPR Instructor. However, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, this ability to compartmentalize hasn’t always been advantageous. During challenging times, I’ve shut down my emotions to such an extent that those closest to me remained oblivious to my struggles.
Now, I find myself confronted with the need to shift my perspective on future events. Could it be that my old friend fear is preventing me from fully embracing anticipation, for fear of disappointment and the vulnerability it brings? While others revel in the joys of anticipation, I’m plagued by a gnawing feeling in my stomach and an oppressive weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. Damn It!!! Will I ever feel secure enough to lead a truly fulfilling life?