I haven’t explored my faith or lack or in writing mainly because I’ve been so angry at God. I grapple with the uncertainty of my beliefs, questioning where I once stood. It might surprise those who know me that I used to be known as Minister Peterson. I taught Sunday School, occasionally preached sermons, and was invited to speak at special occasions in sister churches. Now, I find myself asking, “How did I reach this point?” I seldom communicate with God, not seeking Him for anything significant, although I acknowledge His provision.
Despite this, I’ve found happiness in some aspects of my life. I reside in a small yet charming apartment, have cultivated wonderful friendships, and even had the chance to travel abroad. Financially, I’m stable for now, but uncertainty looms. Shouldn’t I trust God to provide, as He always has?
So, why am I still consumed by anger and distrust towards God? The one thing I struggle to accept is facing the future without a partner—a companion who cares for me. While some argue that God is enough, filling the void within me, I still long for someone to love and be loved by.
I question what’s wrong with me that I can’t find love. Childhood fears of being unlovable haunt me. Nights alone are dreaded, and the lack of someone to depend on is disheartening. No hand to hold on the beach, no comforting kiss, no one to share in my triumphs. I have great children, but they have their own lives. My son, though not as close as I’d like, shows love in his own way. My daughter and her husband are supportive, but I hesitate to burden them.
This brings me back to my resistance in believing that God is enough. Why do I feel abandoned and hurt despite His provision? Though I know He cares, it doesn’t feel like it.