Some times in life I am my own worst enemy. I allow fears and worries to dictate my actions. I allow fears to run rough shod over my life and transform me into a person I don’t want to be. I like to think I am a caring loving person and that my words and actions are reflections of the inner person. However when I come from a place of fear I’m like a caged animal, it doesn’t seem to matter how kind a person is to me I will snap, growl and bite the very hand of the one who is trying to show me love, kindness and respect. I don’t like the person I become. I become selfish and self centered only thinking about my feelings. Giving no thought to another person’s thoughts or feelings. Additionally, in fear I will gnaw off my own hand to spite my face. I will speak, before I consider the cost. When I allow my fears to control me, I will push people out of my life and then justify my actions when they throw up their hands in acquiescence.
Recently, I pushed someone away ..I pushed and pushed until that person told me “You got what you wanted”. Those words were like someone threw a bucket of water in my face. I was left sputtering thinking “That’s not what I wanted!!!” I wanted and tried to fix what I had destroyed but there was nothing I could do or say at that time. I was numb, I was so sad and I was mortified that I had not given this person the very thing I had asked for from them. I had sabotaged a relationship with someone I care about very much.
I could not nor can I blame anyone but myself. I preformed this self sabotage based on fear. Fear! Fear that something would happen and I would be hurt. All because of fear, my “ole friend”! I am so discussed with myself. Instead of recognizing and dealing with the fear, that I would get hurt, I hurt someone dear to me and in the process hurt my own self. What an idiot I am to allow baseless fears damaged a relationship. That’s right I said, “damaged” after I humbly acknowledging how badly I treated them and asking for forgiveness, they are cautiously going to give me an opportunity to try and make things right between us. I don’t deserve it, and I pray I haven’t irreparably damaged the relationship.
I am sick of allowing fear to control me. I am a grown woman, 66 years old, no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do, I have been hurt before and survived. Hell, I have survived sexual abuse as a child, I have survived depression and thoughts of suicide, so why the hell am I so scared of being hurt emotionally? Why wouldn’t I survive hurt feelings? GET a GRIP on yourself Charlene and grow up!