Today, I received a notification about the upcoming automatic renewal of my domain name in a few weeks. Reflecting on the past year, I acknowledge some progress, yet I still feel a lack of competence. To me, competence involves making commitments and facing fears head-on and not crumbling into a mass of emotions that leave me incapable functioning. I experienced this sense of competency during my trip to Dublin. With the help and encouragement of my daughter I organized my flight, accommodations, and itinerary. Despite the pleasant encounters, like discovering my divorce lawyer on the same flight, and his offer of assistance in Ireland if I need it, I navigated a foreign country and city alone, boosting my self-esteem.
However, as I review the year, lingering fears persist. I care too much about others’ opinions, unresolved conflicts persist in my relationships, and self-doubt lingers. Trust issues and the desire for a meaningful relationship remain, yet I find myself sabotaging potential connections. Recently, someone noted that I handle problems as if I was totally alone. I am alone, while I have a supportive daughter nearby, I hesitate to burden her. My friends offer assistance, but no one really knows nor do they grasp the intricacies of my life. So, it is true, I am alone no one but myself will suffer if I make the wrong decision, no one is there to support me, no one will reassure me that “everything will be ok”. So yes, yes I do make decisions like I am alone because I am alone.
One thing I have learned this year is that understanding the roots of emotional issues isn’t a panacea for behavioral or cognitive change. Despite searching for a magic formula in books, courses, counselors, or elsewhere, the lack of feeling competent persists. Recalling past mistakes, I grapple with trust issues, extending even to myself. The journey to feeling comfortable in my own skin appears complex, with no clear guide or solution. The only way I seem to be able to function is to shut down emotionally, if I refuse to allow feelings to surface I can function, I can protect myself from being hurt, I can make decisions with little inter conflict. Unfortunately, I present as a cold hard uncaring bitch. Plus I am not totally sure its all that healthy to shut your emotions down.
I just recalled memories of my paternal grandmother, Ma Peek. She exuded a stern demeanor, and in her presence, her sons would stand up when she walked into the room. Despite her sternness, I always knew that Ma Peek loved me unconditionally. I once even accidentally wrecked her car, but she showed no sign of upset – if she was, she didn’t reveal it. I witnessed her shed a single tear only once, beside the casket of my late uncle, her son. She confided in me, “Just because I can’t show it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.” All her pain seemed bottled up, and she struggled to express it She passed away within the year, a woman who had minimal health issues; her body seemingly shut down. I firmly believe she grieved herself to death. This only reinforces my belief that suppressing emotions isn’t the path to internal peace. However, allowing emotions to run unchecked isn’t the solution either. There must be a balanced middle ground.