Life is made up of moments—bookended by birth and death, with the dash in between holding it all together. We all have childhood memories that shaped who we are, and moments in life that filled us with joy—a special birthday, Christmas, or holiday, a wedding day, perhaps the birth of a child. And there are those moments that brought deep sorrow. I remember the assassinations of President Kennedy, his brother Bobby, and Dr. Martin Luther King. I remember our national tragedy, the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001. So many moments leave lasting impressions on our lives.
Yet, some of the most impactful moments involve births and deaths. The birth of a child transforms you completely, while the death of a loved one can bring overwhelming sadness. I was taken by surprise by the grief I felt when I lost someone. In the weeks after my mother’s death, I found myself unexpectedly in tears. I say “unexpectedly” because, for reasons I’ve discussed before, I wasn’t close with my mother. I grieve not for her, but for the relationship we never had.
At her funeral, I wondered about the person others were describing—how they spoke of her as a wonderful person, someone who had greatly influenced their lives and would be sorely missed. That was not the woman I knew. As irreverent as it may sound, she was never someone I could rely on, either as a child or an adult. Who was this stranger they mourned? She wasn’t the person I had known.
No, I don’t grieve for the person she was, but for the relationship that never existed.