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Walls

Over the years, I’ve observed brick masons skillfully constructing walls, marveling at their precision in applying just the right amount of mortar to ensure a seamless fit. In my own life, I’ve built invisible walls, fortified with each heartache as a form of protection. These walls, have been built as meticulously as those that crafted by brick masons, they stand solid and resolute.

Recently, someone pointed out that these protective barriers, erected in response to fear, might ironically hinder the attainment of my deepest desires, even questioning if I really did want to be loved. What they do not understand is that the fear operating within me compels me to perpetually build more walls, fearing that tearing them down would leave me vulnerable and unprotected, as I navigate life alone.

This reflection does prompt me to consider, once again: Are these walls, that I think are shielding me from hurt and harm, also preventing me from realizing my genuine desire for love? It forces me to confront the question of whether I am genuinely willing to break down these self-imposed barriers.

Approaching the age of 66, and the unexpected reality of being single induces a sense of panic. Despite possessing domestic skills and the ability to create a home, I grapple with the uncertainty of whether I can truly open my heart to love. The dilemma of dismantling the walls and allowing someone to come close enough to potentially cause harm is as frighting as facing the latter years of my life alone.

The fear of enduring another heartbreak raises a critical question—is my current state a form of survival, or am I merely existing? Could the love I yearn for be just beyond the walls? Is there someone out there patient and caring enough to chip away at my defenses, willing to invest time, and committed to breaking through?

The prospect of relinquishing control over my emotional fortress is terrifying, yet the idea of never experiencing love as it’s been described is equally daunting. Am I emotionally scarred to the point of being incapable of both giving and receiving love? I know that the walls have to come down if I want to experience a life filled with love, but I am so scared …..

Communication

Communication involves the exchange of information between individuals, and while it may seem straightforward, it can be challenging, especially for those raised in dysfunctional families. Personally, I find direct communication disconcerting, triggering a defensive response. I tend to resort to indirect communication, assuming others understand my implied questions.

Changing communication habits is a formidable task. I’m consciously attempting to be more direct, but I’ve observed a reluctance to confront lies or remind others of unfulfilled promises. Recognizing these patterns is enlightening, yet the question persists: “So what?” Despite turning 66 soon, I feel powerless to enact change. I resonate with insights from literature but struggle to apply them to my own life.

Why is change so elusive? Why does life feel emotionally challenging despite overall stability? These questions linger, creating a sense of emotional lack, even in the absence of overt life difficulties.

What a Challenge

How do you navigate the acceptance of challenging realities, especially those you’d rather not acknowledge? I’ve been pondering this question frequently lately, struggling to come to terms with the idea that a significant portion of my life lies ahead and may be spent in solitude. Surrounded by numerous examples of women who claim contentment with a life spent alone, I can’t help but question the authenticity of their satisfaction. In a candid conversation with a friend, she confessed that she, too, wasn’t as thrilled about the prospect of solitude as she projected.

I observed another acquaintance who, after meeting someone online, swiftly decided to uproot her life and relocate five hours away. This reminded me of another woman who, having met someone online, abruptly left the area by breaking her lease to live with a man she had known for only a few months. Perhaps not everyone I know is as accepting of their circumstances as they outwardly appear. This leads me back to the fundamental question: How does one truly come to terms with being alone?

None of the people in my circle seem to have friends they are willing to introduce me to. When I go out with my girlfriends, we are seldom approached by men, and the few who do approach are typically older and don’t invite us to dance. Online dating, while seemingly convenient, is fraught with risks—fake profiles and seemingly genuine individuals who either turn out to be creepy or live far away. Despite residing in the vast Metro Atlanta area, the search for decent men ready to connect feels like searching for an endangered species.

Three Things

Three things I need to come to terms with:

1. If they wanted to, they would:
   • As a child, I once asked my Father to fix my bicycle so I could ride it, and he assured me he would. However, he never followed through. Years later, while cleaning out the storage area, he found my broken bicycle and asked if I still wanted him to fix it. By then, I had outgrown riding a bicycle. If someone promises to do something and fails to follow through, it really does mean they didn’t want to do it, or they would have.
2. No Response is a response:
   • The absence of a response is a clear “No.” Instead of coming up excuses or trying to justify their lack of response, it’s important to recognize that they didn’t respond because they couldn’t find a way to say “no” directly.
3. Not everyone shares the same values, goals, or heart:
   • It’s important to remember that people may not hold the same values or pursue identical goals as I do. I shouldn’t take it personally when someone doesn’t place the same importance on the things I hold dear. Whether it’s something significant to me, my goals, or my passion for something, I must safeguard what matters to me , I need to protect it from harm. The same principle applies to goals—just because I desire and work toward something doesn’t necessarily mean it holds the same significance for someone else. Similarly, having a deep emotional connection to something doesn’t guarantee that others feel the same way.

In listing these points, I aim to remind myself that everyone is an individual, and these differences do not imply any wrongdoing on the part of others; they are simply different.

Wisdom is it Achievable?

It just dawned on me that I’m about to celebrate my 66th birthday in just over a month. One would expect that by this age, I should have a deeper understanding of myself and have outgrown some of my old habits. You might think that I’ve accumulated enough life experiences to gain some wisdom. But what exactly is wisdom, anyway? I have friends I consider wise, and their advice often draws from their rich life experiences and insights into human nature.

Naturally, I felt compelled to look up the definition of “wisdom” to ensure I truly grasp its meaning. According to good old Webster:

Wisdom is a noun and 1. a : ability to discern inner qualities and relationship: INSIGHT b: good sense JUDGMENT c: generally accepted belief d: accumulated philosophical or scientific learning: KNOWLEDGE 2: a wise attitude, belief, or course of action 3: the teachings of the ancient wise men.

Reflecting on these definitions, it’s clear that I haven’t fully reached that point yet. My insight is questionable, my judgment isn’t always on point, and while I may possess some knowledge, it’s not always easy to apply it effectively. Knowledge alone can be rather meaningless without proper application.

So, at nearly 66 years old, I can’t claim to have achieved wisdom. SO how long does it take to attain wisdom, and do I have enough time left? Thank goodness! , there’s a history of longevity in my family!!!

So What!

“So what? Why do I persist in allowing this ‘fear’ to hinder my happiness? I am afraid of the possibility of getting hurt. So what if I do get hurt? Haven’t I endured and survived physical and emotional pain in the past? Do people avoid going to the doctor just because they are scared the Doctor might uncover an issue? What kind of logic does that follow? Do I let… NO, push someone out of my life because I’m anxious about potential emotional pain? What if I don’t end up hurt? What if I miss out on what I truly desire? Consider an oyster for a moment; it may appear rough on the outside, but with the introduction of a tiny grain of sand, something incredible can happen. That minuscule grain of sand transforms into a beautiful pearl. I see myself as that rugged oyster, yet if I let a little grain of sand in, I could witness an amazing transformation. It’s time to gain perspective, Charlene. So what if you don’t allow that grain of sand in? You’ll never give the pearl the chance to develop.”

Words

Words hold significant power. The Scriptures say that “Life and Death are in the Power of the Tongue.” It is through words that we establish connections with others. Our world boasts an astounding 7000 different languages, which means 7000 distinct avenues for communication. I use words in this blog to convey my thoughts and emotions. I am deeply aware of the inherent power of words. They can breathe life into our existence when spoken with love and empathy, or they can become weapons that inflict pain and suffering.

Today, I gazed around my apartment, I noticed the presence of words that serve as poignant reminders of fundamental concepts. Phrases like “Walk by Faith” encourage me to persevere in life, even when the path ahead remains unclear. It’s a reminder to place one foot in front of the other, trusting that it will ultimately lead to self-awareness and happiness.

“But God” reminds me that I have survived trials and tribulations, emerging resilient. I know that not everyone shares my belief in a higher power, and I too have wrestled with uncertainty at times. Yet, as I reflect on my life’s journey, I am inclined to believe that some divine force sustained me during moments of despair, self-destructive thoughts, and the desire to never wake up in the mornings. Thanks to God, I’ve awakened each morning, dried my tears, and continued my journey.

I maintain a whiteboard and I change the words to serve as personal reminders. These reminders have spanned from “Let Love Lead” to “She Created a Life She Loved” and “When People Show You Who You Are, Believe Them.” Currently, I draw inspiration from my Aunt Sue’s wisdom: “It’s bad when people lie to you, but it’s terrible when you lie to yourself.”

But most importantly I recognize the need to use kind, caring, supportive, and encouraging words when I talk to myself. This self-compassion is how I am learning to love myself.

Waiting Part 2

In a previous post, I touched on the topic of patiently waiting for that elusive relationship built on trust and respect. Recently, someone inquired about what I desired in a relationship, and my response, while seemingly straightforward, carries its fair share of complexity and contradictions. I yearn for my own “Knight in Shining Armor,” yet I don’t perceive myself as dependent on a provider or in need of saving. I have a Savior in my life already, though our current rapport isn’t at its best – but that’s a tale for another time. Today, I wish to delve into the things I long for in a relationship and ponder whether they’re mere fantasies.

Can these desires truly exist in reality? Join me as I indulge in some daydreaming about the qualities I’d like to experience in a relationship. I’m aware that this list might not be exhaustive, and it’s likely influenced by romance novels and movies. Nevertheless, here it goes: I aspire to have the kind of relationship that prompts onlookers to think, “Wow, they genuinely love each other” when they see us together. I want those moments when our gazes lock across the room, and we intuitively understand each other’s thoughts. I yearn for times when I’m at the stove, and his arms encircle me, causing us to forget about cooking as we turn off the stove. I long for cozy, rainy days spent intertwined in bed, snuggling. I crave receiving a midday phone call instructing me to arrange care for the dog and pack a bag. I want to be the person he turns to when celebrating successes or when things go awry. I envision us writing heartfelt poems to one another. I aspire to be best friends while still encouraging one another to maintain friendships outside of our partnership. I want to feel cherished, desired, and loved. I hope we’re mature enough to agree to disagree and resolve conflicts before bedtime. Essentially, I desire my knight in shining armor, my prince charming, my soulmate, my other half.

So, can this cherished fantasy genuinely exist in the real world? If you were to inquire about my prayer today, I’d respond: “Let me find my partner; they don’t need to be flawless, but they must love me. OR Help me to accept that these idea’s are mere fantasies’ and stuff that dreams are made of.”

Judgement

Recall the age-old adage, “Walk a Mile in My Shoes.” Often, people voice their viewpoints as if they are facts, inadvertently failing to recognize that they are, in fact, passing judgment. They do so based on their own personal experiences or the experiences of others, without pausing to empathize with a different perspective. I don’t wish to be critical, but I do want to pose a few questions.

Could it be that people overlook the possibility that others have lived different lives? Or are they merely echoing what they’ve been taught? It could also be a lack of understanding regarding how sensitive certain topics might be for others. I sincerely hope it’s not a lack of empathy. I would prefer to believe that most people make these remarks out of sheer ignorance rather than a callous disregard for the potential harm their opinions may cause. I acknowledge that we all say things we later regret, and that we’re all guilty of speaking without thinking. Furthermore, we all engage in discussions about subjects we know little about, often mistaking common sayings for factual truths.

Let me always remember to weigh my words carefully. Let me acknowledge that my life experiences diverge from those of others. Let me remind myself that not everyone needs to hear my perspective. Above all, let me never pass judgment until I’ve “walked a mile in their shoes.”

Bucket List Adventures!

After extensive planning and some initial apprehension, I finally took the plunge! I embarked on my first journey outside the United States, heading to Dublin, Ireland. Initially, when I envisioned this adventure, I thought a friend would accompany me. However, when she couldn’t make it, I summoned the courage to go on my own. It was a bold decision, but I was determined to explore a foreign country, dine at restaurants solo, and navigate through unfamiliar city streets. And you know what? I did it! I am immensely grateful for this incredible opportunity, and I’ve to share the link to the Google Slides presentation I’ve put together.

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/e/2PACX-1vSNJoNMNwf95l2ar2hz6mHa9H4CVtX5soRlgGpHAvf_6hA_357jtkLnYeAqgjquh8AUNVl1MKFhwnez/pub?start=false&loop=false&delayms=3000