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Excitement vs Stress

Vacation, the Bucket List, Travel, International adventures – all of these concepts sound incredibly exciting, don’t they? However, the anxiety that comes with creating and double, or even triple-checking your list, constantly adding items, the nagging fear of forgetting something essential – it can be overwhelming. I may tell myself that I am a capable, independent person who can manage everything on my own. I’ve got this, right? But deep down, I can’t help but feel a twinge of fear and uncertainty. After all, I never navigated customs, and traveling solo is an entirely new experience. Doubts creep in: Have I made a mistake in my planning? Is there something crucial I’ve overlooked? What more should I be doing to prepare?

Is this “fun” worth all the anxiety? The trip is bought and paid for and it would be embarassing to cancel it all now… So UP UP and a WAY!

Come On People

In recent days, I’ve encountered some of the most self-centered individuals I’ve ever come across. Has basic decency and compassion disappeared? What happened to the golden rule of treating others as you’d like to be treated? It’s not about mere politeness; it’s about our fundamental humanity. Everyone be entitled to basic human dignity? Since when did speaking without any thought or considering the impact of our words become acceptable? Come on, folks! Is it too much to ask to treat others with respect? Why is it okay to waste someone’s time? Why is it acceptable to disregard someone’s feelings entirely?

When someone opens up and shares something personal, what gives us the right to be judgmental and cruel? Has the COVID pandemic rewritten all the rules the of empathy? Has isolation so drastically altered and warped society that people have forgotten how to be decent human beings? Hey guess what? Not everyone thinks, acts, or experiences life the same way. Is it really so difficult to be kind? You don’t have to understand everything about someone; just accept them, and realize that they have feelings and they have hurts, and experiences in life that may differ from your own. They deserve your respect, and they deserve consideration. It’s called human decency.

Waiting

Throughout my life, I’ve often found myself waiting. During my childhood, I waited my Mother’s arrival to rescue me from the clutches of Mr. Hammon, my abuser. As I grew older, I waited for the day I could leave home, unaware that a different kind of hardship awaited me. Yet again, I found myself waiting for an escape.

I recall after my first divorce, returning from work to an empty house was a mix of relief and sadness. It felt liberating not to have demands placed on me, but also melancholic to lack someone eagerly waiting for my return. I seem like I am always waiting. Currently, I’m in a moment of waiting as I count down the hours until I meet a friend for a morning hike. However, another form of waiting persists within me.

It’s been two years since my marriage ended, and while I’m grateful for this phase of my life, a sense of waiting lingers. Perhaps I’m waiting for something elusive, a dream that might not even be attainable. Is this prolonged waiting futile? Should I release my expectations and relinquish hope for the kind of relationship founded on trust and respect? Is it wise to continue this waiting game or should I make peace with the possibility that such a relationship might remain beyond my grasp? Would I experience emotional relief by putting an end to this waiting?

And what if those aspirations simply fade away? How would life unfold if I ceased waiting altogether?

Respect

If you look in Webster’s dictionary, the third definition of “Respect” is as follows: a) a strong or special regard, akin to ESTEEM, b) the characteristic or state of being held in high esteem, c) respects in plural form, denoting expressions of elevated regard or deference. To esteem, is to assign value, holding in high regard, and treasure. So, what does the respect truly entail within interpersonal relationships? Far too frequently, I observe instances illustrating the absence of respect. These manifest as harsh words, disdainful attitudes, an absence of concern, and a disregard for the feelings of others. Where as when, you respect your partner you value them as individuals, you hold treasure them, and desire the best for them.

I am firmly convinced that relationships cannot endure without respect. Once respect is forfeited, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship deteriorates. I’m of the belief that love cannot genuinely exist without respect. I think respect is one of the fundamental pillars supporting love. If you hold affection for someone, respect becomes an inherent component. But I question is it possible to rekindle lost respect? In other words, if love was once present but respect eroded, can respect be restored, thus allowing love to rekindle? I’ve personally encountered situations where respect was lost, only to realize that respect had never existed from the outset. Determining whether someone respects you remains a puzzle.

I’ve experienced the consequences of insufficient respect – I know what happens when a seemingly an affectionate partnership crumbles because respect is lost by one side is lost. I wonder though have any of my relationships ever had the respect that is needed to foster true love. I would venture to speculate the answer is no. And somehow that is extremely sad.

When it come to the Heart

The human heart on an average, it weighs between 6 to 11 ounces and maintains a resting heart rate of 60 to 100 beats per minute. With 1,440 minutes in a 24-hour span, the human heart beats approximately 86,400 to 144,000 times daily at rest. These numbers reflect the physical heart’s norms, and any deviation from this rhythm could indicate underlying issues. Some individuals suffering from heart conditions are aware of their condition, while others are not. Modern medical advancements have significantly progressed in treating cardiac ailments, utilizing medications, pacemakers, and various surgical techniques to enhance heart health. While most, treatments attempt “fix” the “broken” heart facts remain that most treatments are stop gap measures.

However, what about the other heart? Our emotional heart, is a “broken heart” considering an a real aliment? With the focus of mental and emotional well-being in today’s society, most likely the “broken hearted” would be considered to have a mental illness. Furthermore, what is considered sever mental illness? Have you ever pondered the number of individuals silently bearing emotional wounds? Is a “broken heart” an inevitable part of the human experience? I doubt there is an adult alive that hasn’t suffered at one time in their lives with a “broken heart”. But how many of us are silently nursing emotional wounds inflicted by callous individuals?

How many of us move through life carrying inner pain that goes unnoticed until the slightest trigger leads to an outpouring of emotion, whether in the form of an explosion or uncontrollable tears? The weight of disappointment and emotional pain can reach such heights that we can become frozen, unable to move forward. Or we become desensitized to our own suffering, deigning that we have any feelings one way or the other. We construct barriers around our hearts, attempting to shield ourselves from further harm and develop trust issues The question arises: is this self-imposed isolation truly worth the avoidance of potential pain?

I have friends, both women and men, who, because of their emotional wounds, choose to isolate themselves from the possibility of new relationships. Their hearts have been shattered, leading them to believe that navigating life alone is preferable to the risk of encountering emotional hurt again. But despite the anguish I’ve endured and the tears I’ve shed, I reject the notion that love is unattainable for me.

Do I grapple with trust issues? Undoubtedly. Am I haunted by the fear of being hurt and disillusioned once more? Absolutely. Yet, what alternative is there? The prospect of a solitary existence? I refuse to accept that outcome. Perhaps that’s the eventual course life takes, but for now, I remain committed to the pursuit of that one person willing to walk the same path alongside me.

Lies Lies and More Lies

I may have mentioned this before, but my Aunt once said, “It is a bad thing when people lie to you. But it is terrible when you lie to yourself.”  I’ve experienced disappointment twice recently due to the actions of others. The most painful part is realizing that I had deceived myself into believing these individuals were genuine when, in reality, they weren’t. It’s frustrating to confront the fact that I fell for such a deceitful illusion.

I find myself questioning who is genuinely sincere in today’s world and how one can discern authenticity from deception. The ambiguity leaves me wondering, “Is this real, or am I deceiving myself?” It’s disheartening to contemplate whether people, in general, are as malicious as they seem.

I’m astounded by people’s capacity to spin untruths and create elaborate fabrications about themselves and their aspirations in life. The incredible part is how convincing they can be. It’s almost unfathomable how easily one can be fooled by their lies, even if just for a moment. Part of me hesitates to approach every encounter with a suspicious eye because I genuinely want to believe in the inherent goodness of people. I’ve always thought that seeing and seeking the best in others is an admirable quality, but the recent experiences make me question my judgment, and I feel foolish for falling into their traps

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Which came First?

The timeless question: which comes first, the chicken or the egg? A question that has puzzled man for ages, unfortunately there is no definitive answer. Only God the Father, knows for sure. But this riddle brought  to mind another question: which comes first, Love or Trust?

Love and Trust are intertwined. To love someone deeply, you must trust them completely, and to trust someone, you often find yourself growing in love or at the very least fond of them.  Trust, defined as a noun, involves reliance on someone’s character, ability, or truthfulness. As a verb, it’s about placing confidence in and hoping for their sincerity. On the other hand, Love, as a noun, is a strong affection arising from kinship or personal ties, including romantic attraction. As a verb, it means cherishing and feeling tenderly towards someone.

So, does one rely on a person’s character before developing affection and cherishing them? Or does love come first, leading to the willingness to trust? It defies simple logic because to love someone, you must trust them, yet to trust someone, you must have some affection for them. 

Loving oneself seems natural; we care for ourselves, attend to our needs, and hold ourselves dear. However, trusting oneself can be a different matter. For me, self-doubt clouds decisions of the heart. Though I can make practical choices  with confidence, but matters of the heart become daunting. Although I am not currently faced with the prospect of falling in love, a chance encounter with someone has be me asking myself “What if”.    Can I trust myself to make the right decision? After all, past experiences have yielded less than stellar results. What is concerning to me is this uncertainty about trusting myself it has me asking myself if it has become a barrier to embracing love?

So, back to the original question: which comes first, Trust or Love? In truth, there’s no definite answer. Embracing love may require learning to trust myself. Only time can reveal the answer to this heartfelt puzzle.

Do I trust first and then love? Or do I love first and then trust?   “I can’t think about this now, I’ll go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow.”  Scarlett O’Hara

Disappointment

When faced with disappointment, I find myself at a crossroads. I have the choice to retreat and protect myself, or to stay strong and keep moving forward. Recently, I experienced another setback, and part of me wants to withdraw from the world. I feel angry at myself for getting so emotionally invested in something that turned out to be a fantasy. I am embarrassed by my vulnerability.

However, a friend offered me some perspective. She reminded me that my disappointment doesn’t reflect poorly on me but on the person who let me down. She encouraged me to see that being open to happiness requires courage and that vulnerability is not a weakness. Nor, I shouldn’t let one disappointment close the door on my desires and the potential for positive experiences.

After shedding a few tears and indulging in some self-pity, I have gathered myself together and decided to hold on to hope. Life has taught me some tough lessons, and I may have become a bit more cautious or even cynical. Nevertheless, I still believe in the process and have seen examples of how it can work. So, I’ll proceed with a more guarded approach and be willing to take some risks despite the possibility of encountering more disappointments. As they say, I may have to kiss a few more frogs!

Anticipation

Anticipation, a delightful sensation of looking forward to something with great pleasure. It evokes excitement and perhaps a hint of trepidation. Lately, I’ve been told that I tend to overthink things, a trait deeply ingrained in my personality. While I acknowledge this tendency, I struggle to change it. My anticipation has always been accompanied by the fear that my hopes might not materialize—an attitude likely rooted in my childhood, a defense mechanism of sorts. Although I have always thought this negative outlook has served me well, it’s not the most fulfilling way to experience life.

I’ve developed a remarkable ability to set aside my emotions and tackle emergencies head-on, a skill that has proven invaluable, even life saving,  in my role as a dental hygienist and an American Heart Certified CPR Instructor. However, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, this ability to compartmentalize hasn’t always been advantageous. During challenging times, I’ve shut down my emotions to such an extent that those closest to me remained oblivious to my struggles.

Now, I find myself confronted with the need to shift my perspective on future events. Could it be that my old friend fear is preventing me from fully embracing anticipation, for fear of disappointment and the vulnerability it brings? While others revel in the joys of anticipation, I’m plagued by a gnawing feeling in my stomach and an oppressive weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe.  Damn It!!!   Will I ever feel secure enough to lead a truly fulfilling life?