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Does Everything Have Meaning?

In recently, I’ve come to appreciate the profound meaning that can be found in even the most ordinary aspects of life. From a mere fork on a pathway to the intricate process of weaving and making cloth, or even the unpredictable outcomes of following or not following a recipe. Such, random thoughts have occupied my mind. These thoughts remind me of the immense impact that a single choice can have on one’s entire existence. Often, these choices may appear insignificant at the time, but their consequences can either be devastating or bring forth unexplainable joy.

Throughout my journey, the choices I’ve made have significantly shaped my life. Unfortunately, it seems that I’ve made a fair share of decisions that have had negative repercussions. As a result, I find myself paralyzed with fear in certain areas, constantly worried about making the wrong choices. How many times have I erred and disrupted my own life? How frequently have I chosen to love, trust, or depend on the wrong individual? It’s important to note that I’m not placing blame solely on the other person. Perhaps they were sincere, but unaware of the circumstances they were entering into. Sometimes, I think my intense emotions can be overwhelming, and I have unrealistic expectations which may lead the demise of a relationship.  Have I spent my entire life searching for Prince Charming, only to find frogs and attempt to transform them into princes?  Is it my fault they aren’t the Prince Charming I thought?  Or did they profess to be Prince Charming but found the role too exhausting?  

Recently, I had the privilege of observing my daughter and her husband interact with each other. Their devotion to one another is truly remarkable. I expressed to my daughter that I would consider myself blessed if I ever found a man who adored and loved me as her husband does. They consciously choose to love each other and are intentional in their treatment of one another. They never take each other for granted. While I am genuinely happy for my daughter, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. I long for what she has found. Yes, their marriage requires effort, and life often presents them with challenges. However, they consistently show up for each other, making choices that have proven to be right for their relationship.

I don’t want to make the wrong choices anymore, yet at the same time I can’t paralyze myself with fear of making yet another mistake.  OH! the paradox of life.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is difficult.  Whether it’s due to relocation, tragic circumstances like death or divorce, or simply the natural ebb and flow of relationships, it’s never easy.

In this particular month, I find myself bidding farewell to two individuals who have been a part of my life for a season. One is a close friend who resides in the same building but is now moving away with her family. Being significantly older and facing serious health issues, her departure leaves a void in my life. I will miss her Midwestern charm and her quick wit. While I joke about visiting her in her new home, we know the likelihood of that happening is slim. Initially, we may maintain regular communication through texts or calls, but over time, it will fade to sporadic contact. Perhaps an occasional Christmas card will keep our connection alive, but eventually, we will drift apart.

The other person I must bid farewell to is my trusted doctor, whom I have relied on for approximately a decade. She provided invaluable support during my journey of grieving the loss of my mentor to cancer. As my healthcare provider, confidant, and source of encouragement, she guided me through a injuries,  difficult divorce and weeks of sleepless nights. Her prompt responses to emails and willingness to address my countless questions have been invaluable. I wonder if I will ever find another doctor like her, and saying goodbye to her this month will undoubtedly be heart-wrenching.

Reflecting on the past few years, I realize I have experienced the loss of many loved ones. My dear aunt succumbed to a prolonged illness, and I had to say goodbye to a husband, his family, and my church community due to divorce. Additionally, I lost three cherished friends when I relocated 40 miles away to be closer to my daughter.

When I shared with a close friend that I tend to cry at a “drop of a hat”  He caringly said ” we don’t have to drop the hat …. so you don’t have to cry.”   I will do my best to hold back my emotions when I bid my moving friend a final farewell. However, I can’t make the same promise when the time comes to say goodbye to my doctor. Nevertheless, I genuinely wish both of them well and pray for their happiness. And perhaps, I’ll attempt to keep my emotions in check and avoid “dropping the hat” so frequently.

Hello My Ole Friend.

The lyrics to the song “The Sound of Silence” portray a profound message. It begins with the haunting words, “Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to meet with you again.”  It has been said that identifying a problem is often the first step towards finding a solution. However, in the case of fear, a familiar companion, this notion seems elusive. I have come to recognize that fear has been the underlying cause of many of my struggles. Yet, despite this realization, I find myself unable to break free from its grip. Fear pervades my thoughts and actions, manifesting as the fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear being unlovable, fear of not having enough, fear of trusting, and fear of emotional pain. Fear has dictated the course of my life, much like a tornado that engulfs everything in its path. The storm clouds of fear loom, and suddenly chaos ensues, tearing apart what I hold dear and leaving me with remnants of shattered dreams.

I often wonder if this level of fear is experienced by other adults. Do they question every decision? Does fear hinder them from pursuing their desires? Perhaps age plays a role, and as I grow older, caution becomes a natural response. Indeed, my older friends have shared their own tales of caution. But where do we draw the line between a reasonable amount of fear and an excessive one? Did growing up and  living without boundaries contribute to my inability to find answers to seemingly a simple question, like determining what constitutes too much fear or too little? In my younger years, fear didn’t hold me back; I was fearless, doing things that now seem so foolish. But now, caution seems to dominate my actions, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart. Yet, here I am, opening myself up to potential heartbreak, yearning to experience love while simultaneously fearing that such a desire exposes me to heartache and pain.

Yet, I remind myself that I am 65 years old. How much longer will I allow fear to dictate my life and deprive myself of a fulfilling existence? Wasn’t the purpose of venturing into online dating to avoid cheating myself out of finding true love? I have longed to discover a man who can reciprocate the depth of love I am capable of offering. I still remember some of the kindest words my ex-husband spoke during the divorce, and they echo in my mind, “Charlene, I hope you find someone who will love you in the way you deserve.”  

So, with these thoughts swirling, I strive to break free from fear’s grasp and embrace the possibilities life has to offer.

Fear My Ole’ Friend

The Holy Scriptures remind us that “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear because fear has torment” (1 John 4:18). Psychologists explain that fear is a natural response to danger, and the “fight or flight” instinct is not only ingrained in us but necessary for survival. However, emotional fear, stemming from past experiences or perceived threats, can become problematic. It distorts our perspective, leading to irrational decisions. Even worse, fear can prevent us from accepting the truth and its consequences. Fear, this four-letter word, can either be a survival instinct or an emotional response. Our minds are powerful, wired to detect danger and react in a split second. Emotions, on the other hand, function differently. They are natural instinctive states of mind influenced by our circumstances, mood, and relationships.

I am intimately familiar with fear, as it has influenced nearly every aspect of my life. I can’t say that every fear-based decision I made was wrong. In fact, the fear of being unable to support myself or my children led me to pursue a career in dental hygiene. Interestingly, as I reflect on this, many of the “positive” decisions based on fear seem to revolve around financial insecurity.

However, fear has also blinded me to certain circumstances that I saw but refused to acknowledge because of the consequences. When your mind plays games with you in such a way, it can intensify fear and make you question your own sanity. Nonetheless, this “skill” served me well as a child when I faced traumatic experiences as a child.  Yet, it becomes detrimental when confronted with infidelity that I chose not to acknowledge.  At that point, I began doubting my own trustworthiness. If I can’t trust myself, who can I trust?

I am aware that fear can cause me to say and do things I later regret. It can paralyze me when action is necessary or prevent me from expressing what needs to be said. It is the fear of rejection that stops me from setting clear boundaries. Paradoxically, it is also fear that drives away the very people I claim to want in my life. How can I overcome this fear that seems to have a firm grip on my existence?

Love. Perfect love has the power to push fear aside.

The Rule of Two

I once heard about a person who had a two-year rule when it came to relationships. Upon entering a new romantic connection, regardless of their emotions and thoughts, they decided to wait for two years before committing to marriage. Their rationale was that nobody can maintain a perfect “image” for such an extended period.

In various social interactions, whether it’s a job interview, meeting a new neighbor, or joining a playgroup with other parents, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible light. I’ve observed friends engaging in flirtatious conversations with strangers, marveling at the effortless dance between them. I’ve witnessed how they gradually forge a connection. Initially, it’s all about champagne and roses, with both parties believing that nothing could ever alter their feelings for each other. However, as time goes by, those once adorable and endearing quirks become irritating and bothersome. What changed? Life happened. I believe their approach is flawed. It should not solely revolve around how the other person makes them feel, but rather what they are willing to do to ensure the other person’s happiness. I like to remind myself that the exhilarating and excited feeling we call love is constructed upon the fantasies we create in our minds. Hollywood and romantic fiction have consistently fed us stories of “boy meets girl,” “girl meets girl,” or “boy meets boy.” It doesn’t matter who meets whom, but the point is they meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Yet, in this fantasy, X or Y never question how they can contribute to each other’s happiness.

As I write this, I’m reminded of a movie that premiered on Hulu last year, “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande,” starring Emma Thompson and the charming Daryl McCormack. It revolves around a retired school teacher whose husband passed away recently. In the movie, she hires a sex worker to help her explore her sexuality. Filled with inhibitions and nerves, she starts asking him questions, to which he patiently responds, “Nancy, this is about you.” I mention this to remind myself that love is all about selflessness and not about me. I firmly believe that love and commitment involve the conscious decision to prioritize the happiness of the other person.

Re-reading M. Scott Peck’s  The Road Less Traveled.  He writes two statements that I find very profound.   “Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.”     and he defines love as  “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Just a quick edit: I not sure I agree with the two year rule at my age… 

The Mask

When you embrace the notion of vulnerability, there are inherent risks involved. Are you offering your heart, only to have it shattered? It can be a daunting process, but I understand that in order to  achieve personal growth and the desires of my heart, taking  risks are necessary. Sometimes, I question whether I’m living under an illusion. Are people genuinely as self-assured as they appear, or do they, like me, put on a facade?

The concept of wearing a mask reminds me of applying makeup. I start with a clean, bare face and use moisturizer as a protective barrier against dryness, dirt, and the sun’s harsh rays. Ironically, I also begin my days by putting on an emotional shield. It serves as a barrier, preventing tears hidden beneath the surface from escaping and safeguarding my heart against potential harm.

Next, I apply concealer to camouflage perceived flaws. Although I’d like to believe that the concealer hides these imperfections from others, I suspect that they still shine through. The foundation that follows helps blend my skin tones, creating a smooth and flawless facade. However, regardless of how much concealer and foundation I wear, I don’t think I can truly conceal the side of myself I desperately want to hide—the side that desires to appear composed and self-assured. I strive to be a master illusionist, but as quickly as a new friend “read me,” I realize I’m not as skilled at concealing as I had hoped.

After concealer and foundation, I apply bronzer and blush. These items contribute to the illusion of a healthy and youthful appearance. Adding a sun-kissed glow to the forehead and contouring under the cheekbones creates contrast and interest. A touch of color on the cheeks completes this part of the mask I present to the world. I’ve always aimed for a natural and subtle look, avoiding excessive makeup that appears caked on or artificial. However, the other mask I wear is most likely easier to detect than I would like. Perceptive individuals can admire the effort I put into it but still discern the subtle wrinkles, imperfections, and insecurities that fear produces.  

In my makeup routine, I then focus on the eyes, often considered the “window to the soul.” Applying eyeshadow, liner, and mascara adds a touch of mystery. All the while, I hope that this curtain will discourage anyone from delving too deeply inside. Sometimes, I even apply a bit of color to my lips, attempting to divert attention.  All in an attempt to hide from those who scrutinize too closely and notice the cracks in my mask or the pain reflected in my eyes.

But alas, I desperately want to stop hiding behind the mask.  As I embark on a new and exciting journey, I pray that those who choose to accompany me will challenge, encourage, and demonstrate patience with me.

Really??

I am astonished by how perceptive others can be, effortlessly discerning what I have strived so hard to conceal. Regardless of my tireless efforts to overcome the challenges I faced as a child, certain individuals effortlessly detect that my healing journey is not yet complete. I have developed coping mechanisms and mastered the art of presenting a composed front, but deep inside, that wounded child still carries immense pain. Even at 65, despite intermittent counseling throughout the years, that little girl remains terrified of feeling unlovable. From a young age, I learned that I could not depend on adults to shield me or offer love and affection. I made the decision to destroy the letter my mother sent me after I revealed my sexual abuse. However, the words “You should have kept your mouth shut” remain indelibly etched in my memory. Perplexingly, my mother wonders why establishing a relationship with her and my father is so challenging for me. I may sound bitter and angry, but no one truly comprehends the extent of my efforts to overcome and nurture a connection with my parents, only to be met with indifference. Surprisingly, even individuals with whom I have had brief conversations can perceive that my childhood trauma has not been fully resolved. My initial instinct is to retreat and protect the remnants of my defenses, but I refuse to let fear dictate my actions this time. Instead, I am determined to embrace the unspoken challenge and embrace openness and transparency.

Boundaries

It has become abundantly clear to me that I need to learn how to establish and maintain clear boundaries, keeping the principles of STP (Setting, Testing, and Presenting boundaries) in mind. While the concept of setting boundaries may appear straightforward, I struggle not only with defining them but also with enforcing and expressing them. Growing up without clear boundaries has made this process more difficult than I initially anticipated.

A recent incident served as a loud and clear reminder that I must establish and clearly communicate my boundaries. It is important for me to recognize that setting boundaries is not a rude act towards others but rather a way to facilitate healthy relationships. It is unfair to expect individuals in a relationship with me to intuitively understand my boundaries. As the saying goes, “you teach people how to treat you,” and this holds particularly true at the beginning of any relationship.

Moreover, I need to embrace the idea that boundaries are an expression of self-love and self-care, catering to both my physical and emotional well-being. It is crucial to accept that boundaries can evolve, with some requiring firmness while others can be more flexible. Additionally, I must grant myself the permission to establish new boundaries whenever I feel uncomfortable or uneasy about a situation.

Equally important is the need to assertively communicate and clarify boundaries when someone unintentionally infringes upon them. In the past, my inclination towards “southern” manners has allowed people to overstep, disregard, or even trample my boundaries, all while I smiled and pretended everything was fine. To those who have unintentionally crossed a boundary that I failed to clearly define, I sincerely apologize for any unintended consequences they may have faced due to my reactions.

In summary, I recognize the significance of learning how to set, test, and present clear boundaries in my interactions. Through this process, I strive to cultivate healthier relationships, prioritize self-care, and ensure that my boundaries are respected and understood by others

Making Changes

In my pursuit of self-awareness, I am unraveling the patterns I have woven throughout my life. While various factors have influenced my choices, it is evident that I have repeatedly gravitated towards a similar type of man, albeit with different names and addresses. The realization that time is short at 65 years of age, I have decided to embrace the remaining third of my life with purpose, with to goal of contentment, and fulfillment. To achieve this, understanding the reasons behind my past decisions holds value; however, what truly matters is developing fresh strategies to break free from these detrimental patterns. In my upcoming posts, I will focus on the task of transforming these patterns that have adversely impacted my life. Hopefully and prayerfully effecting positive change and newfound joy.