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Have You Read

Did Gary Chapman’s groundbreaking book, “The Five Love Languages,” make it’s debut in 1992? WOW how time fly’s! I believe this publication has help transform how individuals perceived interpersonal relationships. I encountered it years ago, as a mandatory reading while in marriage counseling during my first marriage. It was strongly recommended in counseling sessions during my second marriage, though my second husband, did not read past the first chapter.

I personally delved into the book on both occasions and revisited it about a year ago. At the very least, the book assists in pinpointing factors that contribute to happiness, contentment, and fulfillment within a relationship. Recently, I revisited the self-assessment test at the book’s conclusion. Once again, Words of Affirmation emerged as my primary language of love. Acts of Service and Physical Touch, trailing slightly behind Words of Affirmation, claimed the positions of my secondary love languages.

I am uncertain to the validly of Dr. Chapman’s theory on “filling up your partner’s tank,” however he has sold a significant of books and marriage counselors recommend his book. In case you haven’t read his book and just want to take his self assessment test at the end I thought I would share it.

The test comprises 30 pairs of statements, necessitating the selection of only one statement from each pair. Jot down the corresponding letter for your choice and, at the conclusion, tally the occurrences of each letter. Your primary love language is determined by the letter with the highest score, while others rank accordingly based on their importance. If one or more languages closely trail but score lower than your primary, they become your secondary love language(s).

The Five Love Languages Test
By Dr. Gary Chapman
Read each pair of statements and choose the one that best describes you.

A. I like to receive notes of affirmation from you.
E. I like it when you hug me.

B. I like to spend one‐on‐one time with you.
D. I feel loved when you give me practical help.

C. I like it when you give me gifts.
B. I like taking long walks with you.

D. I feel loved when you do things to help me.
E. I feel loved when you hug or touch me.

E. I feel loved when you hold me in your arms.
C. I feel loved when I receive a gift from you.

B. I like to go places with you.
E. I like to hold hands with you.

A. I feel loved when you acknowledge me.
C. Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me.

E. I like to sit close to you.
A. I like it when you tell me that I am attractive.

B. I like to spend time with you.
C. I like to receive little gifts from you.

D. I know you love me when you help me.
A. Your words of acceptance are important to me.

B. I like to be together when we do things.
A. I like the kind words you say to me.

E. I feel whole when we hug.
D. What you do affects me more than what you say.

A. I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism.
C. Several inexpensive gifts mean more to me than one large expensive gift.

E. I feel closer to you when you touch me.
B. I feel close when we are talking or doing something together.

A. I like you to compliment my achievements.
D. I know you love me when you do things for me that you don’t enjoy doing. TURN OVER

E. I like for you to touch me when you walk by.
B. I like when you listen to me sympathetically.

C. I really enjoy receiving gifts from you.
D. I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.

A. I like when you compliment my appearance.
B. I feel loved when you take the time to understand my feelings.

E. I feel secure when you are touching me.
D. Your acts of service make me feel loved.

D. I appreciate the many things you do for me.
C. I like receiving gifts that you make.

B. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you give me your undivided attention.
D. I really enjoy the feeling I get when you do some act of service for me.

C. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift.
A. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful words (written or spoken.)

D. I feel loved when you help me out with my chores.
C. I know you are thinking of me when you give me a gift.

C. I appreciate it when you remember special days with a gift.
B. I appreciate it when you listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.

B. I enjoy extended trips with you.
D. I like to know that you are concerned enough to help me with my daily task.

E. Kissing me unexpectedly makes me feel loved.
C. Giving me a gift for no occasion makes me feel loved.

A. I like to be told that you appreciate me.
B. I like for you to look at me when we are talking.

C. Your gifts are always special to me.
E. I feel loved when you kiss me.

A. I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate me.
D. I feel loved when you enthusiastically do a task I have requested.

E. I need to be hugged by you every day.
A. I need your words of affirmation daily.

A. Words of Affirmation B. Quality Time C. Receiving Gifts D. Acts of Service E. Physical Touch

Curious as to my scores? A: 11 B: 5 C: 1 D: 7 E. 7

Feel free to share your scores

Puzzles

The other day, I borrowed a 1000-piece puzzle from a friend, today I decided to start assembling it. Puzzle enthusiasts have various methods of sorting pieces—some opt for shapes, while others, like myself, prefer sorting by color. However, it’s common for most people to start by connecting the puzzle’s edges. As I searched for and interlocked these edges, I reflected on how our lives resemble puzzles. Much like assembling a puzzle’s edges define its boundaries, we establish connections and boundaries in our lives.

Puzzles come with different borders—rectangle and round being the most prevalent. However, there are those puzzles with irregular borders and even rare puzzles that are three-dimensional. If you liken your life to a puzzle, do you conform to the norm with a rectangular or round border? Or do your life’s borders take on irregular or three-dimensional forms?

Life experiences can create well-defined borders, akin to rectangular or round puzzles. On the other hand, experiences can blur your boundaries into irregular shapes, making it challenging to determine where your limits lie. In such cases, people may unintentionally bump into your boundaries, resulting in potential harm for either or both parties.

Then there are those extraordinary lives that transform the complexities of life into a magnificent three-dimensional creation. Only the creator understands the pains endured to piece it all together. Yet the casual observer only sees a masterful, robust, and functional masterpiece. I aspire to be such a three-dimensional creation.

Competency

Today, I received a notification about the upcoming automatic renewal of my domain name in a few weeks. Reflecting on the past year, I acknowledge some progress, yet I still feel a lack of competence. To me, competence involves making commitments and facing fears head-on and not crumbling into a mass of emotions that leave me incapable functioning. I experienced this sense of competency during my trip to Dublin. With the help and encouragement of my daughter I organized my flight, accommodations, and itinerary. Despite the pleasant encounters, like discovering my divorce lawyer on the same flight, and his offer of assistance in Ireland if I need it, I navigated a foreign country and city alone, boosting my self-esteem.

However, as I review the year, lingering fears persist. I care too much about others’ opinions, unresolved conflicts persist in my relationships, and self-doubt lingers. Trust issues and the desire for a meaningful relationship remain, yet I find myself sabotaging potential connections. Recently, someone noted that I handle problems as if I was totally alone. I am alone, while I have a supportive daughter nearby, I hesitate to burden her. My friends offer assistance, but no one really knows nor do they grasp the intricacies of my life. So, it is true, I am alone no one but myself will suffer if I make the wrong decision, no one is there to support me, no one will reassure me that “everything will be ok”. So yes, yes I do make decisions like I am alone because I am alone.

One thing I have learned this year is that understanding the roots of emotional issues isn’t a panacea for behavioral or cognitive change. Despite searching for a magic formula in books, courses, counselors, or elsewhere, the lack of feeling competent persists. Recalling past mistakes, I grapple with trust issues, extending even to myself. The journey to feeling comfortable in my own skin appears complex, with no clear guide or solution. The only way I seem to be able to function is to shut down emotionally, if I refuse to allow feelings to surface I can function, I can protect myself from being hurt, I can make decisions with little inter conflict. Unfortunately, I present as a cold hard uncaring bitch. Plus I am not totally sure its all that healthy to shut your emotions down.

I just recalled memories of my paternal grandmother, Ma Peek. She exuded a stern demeanor, and in her presence, her sons would stand up when she walked into the room. Despite her sternness, I always knew that Ma Peek loved me unconditionally. I once even accidentally wrecked her car, but she showed no sign of upset – if she was, she didn’t reveal it. I witnessed her shed a single tear only once, beside the casket of my late uncle, her son. She confided in me, “Just because I can’t show it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.” All her pain seemed bottled up, and she struggled to express it She passed away within the year, a woman who had minimal health issues; her body seemingly shut down. I firmly believe she grieved herself to death. This only reinforces my belief that suppressing emotions isn’t the path to internal peace. However, allowing emotions to run unchecked isn’t the solution either. There must be a balanced middle ground.

Public

Last week, I made the bold decision to unveil charpage to the general public. The primary motivation behind this move was a realization that I no longer wished to conceal myself. I’ve come to understand that there’s nothing for me to be ashamed of, despite a significant portion of my life being dedicated to keeping secrets.

While I haven’t chosen to completely open up, I will still keep certain thoughts and feelings reserved for either myself or those who have invested in my journey. Through my platform, I hope that anyone who stumbles upon it can, at the very least, identify with aspects of their own life journey and realize they are not alone.

I laugh at my definition of going “public,” which was essentially involved adding www.charpage on my Facebook profile. Taking this one step at a time, I acknowledge that a journey begins with a single step, much like eating an elephant bite by bite.

As I write this brief post, a sense of peace envelops me, accompanied by a newfound confidence. I am establishing boundaries and refusing to let others’ judgments crush me. Recognizing my own worth, I am uninterested in others’ opinions of me. There’s no need for anonymity; I am a survivor. Although I may still grapple with trust issues and interpersonal relationships, those who love me understand and support my development into the person I want to be. I think I now understand M. Scott Peck’s definition of love – “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Memories

I recently confided in someone about the vague and limited nature of my childhood memories. Unfortunately, they struggled to comprehend my experience, expressing disbelief with a simple “I don’t believe you.” Lacking the appropriate words to articulate my condition, I decided to delve into research this morning. I discovered Dissociative Amnesia, a real phenomenon serving as a coping mechanism for traumatic events. It appears to be treatable, with many individuals reclaiming their lost memories .https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9789-dissociative-amnesia

However, I question the significance of attempting to recover memories that my mind evidently suppressed as a means of self-preservation. The lack of those memories doesn’t bother me, as far as I am concern they can stay buried in my subconscious. What unsettles me even more is being labeled a liar simply because others fail to understand or possess misinformation. Perhaps the more pertinent inquiry should be why it matters so much for others to believe me.

While I am aware of the events that transpired and the roots of my personality issues, I wonder if treatment to recover my memories would alleviate my struggles with relationships and trust. Despite, self examination and seeking a spiritual help, in addition to mental health professionals including antidepressants these actions have not provided me with complete resolutions. If there were a guarantee that unearthing traumatic memories would eradicate interpersonal issues and instill trust, I would eagerly pursue it. Unfortunately, no such assurance exists. So again question would recovering and reliving childhood traumas really help me?

Despite these efforts, the adage by M. Scott Peck that “Life is difficult” remains profoundly accurate.

Seasons

As I anticipate the arrival of spring, a season that breathes new life into my surroundings, I reflect on the realization that life encompasses more than just the familiar cycles of Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall; there are also seasons within one’s own journey. While many of us struggle to recall the season of our early childhood as babies, most can vividly remember the stages of childhood where our identities are shaped. Personally, I lack memories of this particular season, with my clearest childhood recollections emerging around the age of 11 or 12.

However, delving into the reasons I have no recollections of those early years is not the focus of this post. Neither, is it my intention to elaborate on the subsequent seasons – early adulthood, the season of raising children, the middle age season. Rather, I aim to explore the seasons marked by people entering and exiting our lives.

Individuals arrive, leaving an indelible impact – some wreak havoc, inflicting scars that last a lifetime; others act as guiding presences, helping navigate the twists and turns of life. There are those who love unconditionally, imparting invaluable lessons on walking this challenging path we call life. These individuals, like the changing seasons, come and go.

Life unfolds in seasons of discovery and heartbreak, moments when solitude seems inevitable and others when a companion walks beside you. I’ve made choices to shield myself from perceived or real fears, and now I find myself walking alone in this later season of my life. While my children’s love and support bring immense gratitude, and platonic friendships provide solace, the absence of a life partner to accompany me in this final season of life brings more than a tinge of sadness.

Saboteur

Some times in life I am my own worst enemy. I allow fears and worries to dictate my actions. I allow fears  to run rough shod over my life and transform me into a person I don’t want to be.  I like to think I am a caring loving person and that my words and actions are reflections of the inner person.  However when  I come from a place of fear I’m like a caged animal, it doesn’t seem to matter how kind a person is to me I will snap, growl and bite the very hand of the one who is trying to show me love, kindness and respect.   I don’t like the person I become.  I become selfish and self centered only thinking about my feelings. Giving no thought to another person’s thoughts or feelings. Additionally, in fear I will gnaw off my own hand to spite my face. I will speak, before I consider the cost. When I allow my fears to control me, I will push people out of my life and then justify my actions when they throw up their hands in acquiescence.   

Recently, I pushed someone away ..I pushed and pushed until that person told me “You got what you wanted”.  Those words were like someone threw a bucket of water in my face. I was left sputtering thinking “That’s not what I wanted!!!”  I wanted and tried to fix what I had destroyed but there was nothing I could do or say at that time.   I was numb, I was so sad and I was mortified that I had not given this person the very thing I had asked for from them.   I had sabotaged a relationship with someone I care about very much. 

I could not nor can I blame anyone but myself.  I preformed this self sabotage based on fear.  Fear!  Fear that something would happen and I would be hurt.  All because of fear, my “ole friend”! I am so discussed with myself. Instead of recognizing and dealing with the fear, that I would get hurt, I hurt someone dear to me and in the process hurt my own self. What an idiot I am to allow baseless fears damaged a relationship.   That’s right I said, “damaged” after I humbly acknowledging how badly I treated them and asking for forgiveness,  they are cautiously going to give me an opportunity to try and make things right between us.  I don’t deserve it, and I pray I haven’t  irreparably damaged the relationship.  

I am sick of allowing fear to control me.  I am a grown woman, 66 years old, no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do, I have been hurt before and survived. Hell, I have survived sexual abuse as a child, I have survived depression and thoughts of suicide, so why the hell am I so scared of being hurt emotionally? Why wouldn’t I survive hurt feelings? GET a GRIP on yourself Charlene and grow up! 

Faith

I haven’t explored my faith or lack or in writing mainly because I’ve been so angry at God. I grapple with the uncertainty of my beliefs, questioning where I once stood. It might surprise those who know me that I used to be known as Minister Peterson. I taught Sunday School, occasionally preached sermons, and was invited to speak at special occasions in sister churches. Now, I find myself asking, “How did I reach this point?” I seldom communicate with God, not seeking Him for anything significant, although I acknowledge His provision.

Despite this, I’ve found happiness in some aspects of my life. I reside in a small yet charming apartment, have cultivated wonderful friendships, and even had the chance to travel abroad. Financially, I’m stable for now, but uncertainty looms. Shouldn’t I trust God to provide, as He always has?

So, why am I still consumed by anger and distrust towards God? The one thing I struggle to accept is facing the future without a partner—a companion who cares for me. While some argue that God is enough, filling the void within me, I still long for someone to love and be loved by.

I question what’s wrong with me that I can’t find love. Childhood fears of being unlovable haunt me. Nights alone are dreaded, and the lack of someone to depend on is disheartening. No hand to hold on the beach, no comforting kiss, no one to share in my triumphs. I have great children, but they have their own lives. My son, though not as close as I’d like, shows love in his own way. My daughter and her husband are supportive, but I hesitate to burden them.

This brings me back to my resistance in believing that God is enough. Why do I feel abandoned and hurt despite His provision? Though I know He cares, it doesn’t feel like it.