Over the years, I’ve observed brick masons skillfully constructing walls, marveling at their precision in applying just the right amount of mortar to ensure a seamless fit. In my own life, I’ve built invisible walls, fortified with each heartache as a form of protection. These walls, have been built as meticulously as those that crafted by brick masons, they stand solid and resolute.
Recently, someone pointed out that these protective barriers, erected in response to fear, might ironically hinder the attainment of my deepest desires, even questioning if I really did want to be loved. What they do not understand is that the fear operating within me compels me to perpetually build more walls, fearing that tearing them down would leave me vulnerable and unprotected, as I navigate life alone.
This reflection does prompt me to consider, once again: Are these walls, that I think are shielding me from hurt and harm, also preventing me from realizing my genuine desire for love? It forces me to confront the question of whether I am genuinely willing to break down these self-imposed barriers.
Approaching the age of 66, and the unexpected reality of being single induces a sense of panic. Despite possessing domestic skills and the ability to create a home, I grapple with the uncertainty of whether I can truly open my heart to love. The dilemma of dismantling the walls and allowing someone to come close enough to potentially cause harm is as frighting as facing the latter years of my life alone.
The fear of enduring another heartbreak raises a critical question—is my current state a form of survival, or am I merely existing? Could the love I yearn for be just beyond the walls? Is there someone out there patient and caring enough to chip away at my defenses, willing to invest time, and committed to breaking through?
The prospect of relinquishing control over my emotional fortress is terrifying, yet the idea of never experiencing love as it’s been described is equally daunting. Am I emotionally scarred to the point of being incapable of both giving and receiving love? I know that the walls have to come down if I want to experience a life filled with love, but I am so scared …..
