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Lies Lies and More Lies

I may have mentioned this before, but my Aunt once said, “It is a bad thing when people lie to you. But it is terrible when you lie to yourself.”  I’ve experienced disappointment twice recently due to the actions of others. The most painful part is realizing that I had deceived myself into believing these individuals were genuine when, in reality, they weren’t. It’s frustrating to confront the fact that I fell for such a deceitful illusion.

I find myself questioning who is genuinely sincere in today’s world and how one can discern authenticity from deception. The ambiguity leaves me wondering, “Is this real, or am I deceiving myself?” It’s disheartening to contemplate whether people, in general, are as malicious as they seem.

I’m astounded by people’s capacity to spin untruths and create elaborate fabrications about themselves and their aspirations in life. The incredible part is how convincing they can be. It’s almost unfathomable how easily one can be fooled by their lies, even if just for a moment. Part of me hesitates to approach every encounter with a suspicious eye because I genuinely want to believe in the inherent goodness of people. I’ve always thought that seeing and seeking the best in others is an admirable quality, but the recent experiences make me question my judgment, and I feel foolish for falling into their traps

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Which came First?

The timeless question: which comes first, the chicken or the egg? A question that has puzzled man for ages, unfortunately there is no definitive answer. Only God the Father, knows for sure. But this riddle brought  to mind another question: which comes first, Love or Trust?

Love and Trust are intertwined. To love someone deeply, you must trust them completely, and to trust someone, you often find yourself growing in love or at the very least fond of them.  Trust, defined as a noun, involves reliance on someone’s character, ability, or truthfulness. As a verb, it’s about placing confidence in and hoping for their sincerity. On the other hand, Love, as a noun, is a strong affection arising from kinship or personal ties, including romantic attraction. As a verb, it means cherishing and feeling tenderly towards someone.

So, does one rely on a person’s character before developing affection and cherishing them? Or does love come first, leading to the willingness to trust? It defies simple logic because to love someone, you must trust them, yet to trust someone, you must have some affection for them. 

Loving oneself seems natural; we care for ourselves, attend to our needs, and hold ourselves dear. However, trusting oneself can be a different matter. For me, self-doubt clouds decisions of the heart. Though I can make practical choices  with confidence, but matters of the heart become daunting. Although I am not currently faced with the prospect of falling in love, a chance encounter with someone has be me asking myself “What if”.    Can I trust myself to make the right decision? After all, past experiences have yielded less than stellar results. What is concerning to me is this uncertainty about trusting myself it has me asking myself if it has become a barrier to embracing love?

So, back to the original question: which comes first, Trust or Love? In truth, there’s no definite answer. Embracing love may require learning to trust myself. Only time can reveal the answer to this heartfelt puzzle.

Do I trust first and then love? Or do I love first and then trust?   “I can’t think about this now, I’ll go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow.”  Scarlett O’Hara

Disappointment

When faced with disappointment, I find myself at a crossroads. I have the choice to retreat and protect myself, or to stay strong and keep moving forward. Recently, I experienced another setback, and part of me wants to withdraw from the world. I feel angry at myself for getting so emotionally invested in something that turned out to be a fantasy. I am embarrassed by my vulnerability.

However, a friend offered me some perspective. She reminded me that my disappointment doesn’t reflect poorly on me but on the person who let me down. She encouraged me to see that being open to happiness requires courage and that vulnerability is not a weakness. Nor, I shouldn’t let one disappointment close the door on my desires and the potential for positive experiences.

After shedding a few tears and indulging in some self-pity, I have gathered myself together and decided to hold on to hope. Life has taught me some tough lessons, and I may have become a bit more cautious or even cynical. Nevertheless, I still believe in the process and have seen examples of how it can work. So, I’ll proceed with a more guarded approach and be willing to take some risks despite the possibility of encountering more disappointments. As they say, I may have to kiss a few more frogs!

Anticipation

Anticipation, a delightful sensation of looking forward to something with great pleasure. It evokes excitement and perhaps a hint of trepidation. Lately, I’ve been told that I tend to overthink things, a trait deeply ingrained in my personality. While I acknowledge this tendency, I struggle to change it. My anticipation has always been accompanied by the fear that my hopes might not materialize—an attitude likely rooted in my childhood, a defense mechanism of sorts. Although I have always thought this negative outlook has served me well, it’s not the most fulfilling way to experience life.

I’ve developed a remarkable ability to set aside my emotions and tackle emergencies head-on, a skill that has proven invaluable, even life saving,  in my role as a dental hygienist and an American Heart Certified CPR Instructor. However, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, this ability to compartmentalize hasn’t always been advantageous. During challenging times, I’ve shut down my emotions to such an extent that those closest to me remained oblivious to my struggles.

Now, I find myself confronted with the need to shift my perspective on future events. Could it be that my old friend fear is preventing me from fully embracing anticipation, for fear of disappointment and the vulnerability it brings? While others revel in the joys of anticipation, I’m plagued by a gnawing feeling in my stomach and an oppressive weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe.  Damn It!!!   Will I ever feel secure enough to lead a truly fulfilling life?

Does Everything Have Meaning?

In recently, I’ve come to appreciate the profound meaning that can be found in even the most ordinary aspects of life. From a mere fork on a pathway to the intricate process of weaving and making cloth, or even the unpredictable outcomes of following or not following a recipe. Such, random thoughts have occupied my mind. These thoughts remind me of the immense impact that a single choice can have on one’s entire existence. Often, these choices may appear insignificant at the time, but their consequences can either be devastating or bring forth unexplainable joy.

Throughout my journey, the choices I’ve made have significantly shaped my life. Unfortunately, it seems that I’ve made a fair share of decisions that have had negative repercussions. As a result, I find myself paralyzed with fear in certain areas, constantly worried about making the wrong choices. How many times have I erred and disrupted my own life? How frequently have I chosen to love, trust, or depend on the wrong individual? It’s important to note that I’m not placing blame solely on the other person. Perhaps they were sincere, but unaware of the circumstances they were entering into. Sometimes, I think my intense emotions can be overwhelming, and I have unrealistic expectations which may lead the demise of a relationship.  Have I spent my entire life searching for Prince Charming, only to find frogs and attempt to transform them into princes?  Is it my fault they aren’t the Prince Charming I thought?  Or did they profess to be Prince Charming but found the role too exhausting?  

Recently, I had the privilege of observing my daughter and her husband interact with each other. Their devotion to one another is truly remarkable. I expressed to my daughter that I would consider myself blessed if I ever found a man who adored and loved me as her husband does. They consciously choose to love each other and are intentional in their treatment of one another. They never take each other for granted. While I am genuinely happy for my daughter, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. I long for what she has found. Yes, their marriage requires effort, and life often presents them with challenges. However, they consistently show up for each other, making choices that have proven to be right for their relationship.

I don’t want to make the wrong choices anymore, yet at the same time I can’t paralyze myself with fear of making yet another mistake.  OH! the paradox of life.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is difficult.  Whether it’s due to relocation, tragic circumstances like death or divorce, or simply the natural ebb and flow of relationships, it’s never easy.

In this particular month, I find myself bidding farewell to two individuals who have been a part of my life for a season. One is a close friend who resides in the same building but is now moving away with her family. Being significantly older and facing serious health issues, her departure leaves a void in my life. I will miss her Midwestern charm and her quick wit. While I joke about visiting her in her new home, we know the likelihood of that happening is slim. Initially, we may maintain regular communication through texts or calls, but over time, it will fade to sporadic contact. Perhaps an occasional Christmas card will keep our connection alive, but eventually, we will drift apart.

The other person I must bid farewell to is my trusted doctor, whom I have relied on for approximately a decade. She provided invaluable support during my journey of grieving the loss of my mentor to cancer. As my healthcare provider, confidant, and source of encouragement, she guided me through a injuries,  difficult divorce and weeks of sleepless nights. Her prompt responses to emails and willingness to address my countless questions have been invaluable. I wonder if I will ever find another doctor like her, and saying goodbye to her this month will undoubtedly be heart-wrenching.

Reflecting on the past few years, I realize I have experienced the loss of many loved ones. My dear aunt succumbed to a prolonged illness, and I had to say goodbye to a husband, his family, and my church community due to divorce. Additionally, I lost three cherished friends when I relocated 40 miles away to be closer to my daughter.

When I shared with a close friend that I tend to cry at a “drop of a hat”  He caringly said ” we don’t have to drop the hat …. so you don’t have to cry.”   I will do my best to hold back my emotions when I bid my moving friend a final farewell. However, I can’t make the same promise when the time comes to say goodbye to my doctor. Nevertheless, I genuinely wish both of them well and pray for their happiness. And perhaps, I’ll attempt to keep my emotions in check and avoid “dropping the hat” so frequently.

Hello My Ole Friend.

The lyrics to the song “The Sound of Silence” portray a profound message. It begins with the haunting words, “Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to meet with you again.”  It has been said that identifying a problem is often the first step towards finding a solution. However, in the case of fear, a familiar companion, this notion seems elusive. I have come to recognize that fear has been the underlying cause of many of my struggles. Yet, despite this realization, I find myself unable to break free from its grip. Fear pervades my thoughts and actions, manifesting as the fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear being unlovable, fear of not having enough, fear of trusting, and fear of emotional pain. Fear has dictated the course of my life, much like a tornado that engulfs everything in its path. The storm clouds of fear loom, and suddenly chaos ensues, tearing apart what I hold dear and leaving me with remnants of shattered dreams.

I often wonder if this level of fear is experienced by other adults. Do they question every decision? Does fear hinder them from pursuing their desires? Perhaps age plays a role, and as I grow older, caution becomes a natural response. Indeed, my older friends have shared their own tales of caution. But where do we draw the line between a reasonable amount of fear and an excessive one? Did growing up and  living without boundaries contribute to my inability to find answers to seemingly a simple question, like determining what constitutes too much fear or too little? In my younger years, fear didn’t hold me back; I was fearless, doing things that now seem so foolish. But now, caution seems to dominate my actions, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart. Yet, here I am, opening myself up to potential heartbreak, yearning to experience love while simultaneously fearing that such a desire exposes me to heartache and pain.

Yet, I remind myself that I am 65 years old. How much longer will I allow fear to dictate my life and deprive myself of a fulfilling existence? Wasn’t the purpose of venturing into online dating to avoid cheating myself out of finding true love? I have longed to discover a man who can reciprocate the depth of love I am capable of offering. I still remember some of the kindest words my ex-husband spoke during the divorce, and they echo in my mind, “Charlene, I hope you find someone who will love you in the way you deserve.”  

So, with these thoughts swirling, I strive to break free from fear’s grasp and embrace the possibilities life has to offer.

Fear My Ole’ Friend

The Holy Scriptures remind us that “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear because fear has torment” (1 John 4:18). Psychologists explain that fear is a natural response to danger, and the “fight or flight” instinct is not only ingrained in us but necessary for survival. However, emotional fear, stemming from past experiences or perceived threats, can become problematic. It distorts our perspective, leading to irrational decisions. Even worse, fear can prevent us from accepting the truth and its consequences. Fear, this four-letter word, can either be a survival instinct or an emotional response. Our minds are powerful, wired to detect danger and react in a split second. Emotions, on the other hand, function differently. They are natural instinctive states of mind influenced by our circumstances, mood, and relationships.

I am intimately familiar with fear, as it has influenced nearly every aspect of my life. I can’t say that every fear-based decision I made was wrong. In fact, the fear of being unable to support myself or my children led me to pursue a career in dental hygiene. Interestingly, as I reflect on this, many of the “positive” decisions based on fear seem to revolve around financial insecurity.

However, fear has also blinded me to certain circumstances that I saw but refused to acknowledge because of the consequences. When your mind plays games with you in such a way, it can intensify fear and make you question your own sanity. Nonetheless, this “skill” served me well as a child when I faced traumatic experiences as a child.  Yet, it becomes detrimental when confronted with infidelity that I chose not to acknowledge.  At that point, I began doubting my own trustworthiness. If I can’t trust myself, who can I trust?

I am aware that fear can cause me to say and do things I later regret. It can paralyze me when action is necessary or prevent me from expressing what needs to be said. It is the fear of rejection that stops me from setting clear boundaries. Paradoxically, it is also fear that drives away the very people I claim to want in my life. How can I overcome this fear that seems to have a firm grip on my existence?

Love. Perfect love has the power to push fear aside.

The Rule of Two

I once heard about a person who had a two-year rule when it came to relationships. Upon entering a new romantic connection, regardless of their emotions and thoughts, they decided to wait for two years before committing to marriage. Their rationale was that nobody can maintain a perfect “image” for such an extended period.

In various social interactions, whether it’s a job interview, meeting a new neighbor, or joining a playgroup with other parents, we tend to present ourselves in the best possible light. I’ve observed friends engaging in flirtatious conversations with strangers, marveling at the effortless dance between them. I’ve witnessed how they gradually forge a connection. Initially, it’s all about champagne and roses, with both parties believing that nothing could ever alter their feelings for each other. However, as time goes by, those once adorable and endearing quirks become irritating and bothersome. What changed? Life happened. I believe their approach is flawed. It should not solely revolve around how the other person makes them feel, but rather what they are willing to do to ensure the other person’s happiness. I like to remind myself that the exhilarating and excited feeling we call love is constructed upon the fantasies we create in our minds. Hollywood and romantic fiction have consistently fed us stories of “boy meets girl,” “girl meets girl,” or “boy meets boy.” It doesn’t matter who meets whom, but the point is they meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Yet, in this fantasy, X or Y never question how they can contribute to each other’s happiness.

As I write this, I’m reminded of a movie that premiered on Hulu last year, “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande,” starring Emma Thompson and the charming Daryl McCormack. It revolves around a retired school teacher whose husband passed away recently. In the movie, she hires a sex worker to help her explore her sexuality. Filled with inhibitions and nerves, she starts asking him questions, to which he patiently responds, “Nancy, this is about you.” I mention this to remind myself that love is all about selflessness and not about me. I firmly believe that love and commitment involve the conscious decision to prioritize the happiness of the other person.

Re-reading M. Scott Peck’s  The Road Less Traveled.  He writes two statements that I find very profound.   “Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.”     and he defines love as  “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Just a quick edit: I not sure I agree with the two year rule at my age…