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The Mask

When you embrace the notion of vulnerability, there are inherent risks involved. Are you offering your heart, only to have it shattered? It can be a daunting process, but I understand that in order to  achieve personal growth and the desires of my heart, taking  risks are necessary. Sometimes, I question whether I’m living under an illusion. Are people genuinely as self-assured as they appear, or do they, like me, put on a facade?

The concept of wearing a mask reminds me of applying makeup. I start with a clean, bare face and use moisturizer as a protective barrier against dryness, dirt, and the sun’s harsh rays. Ironically, I also begin my days by putting on an emotional shield. It serves as a barrier, preventing tears hidden beneath the surface from escaping and safeguarding my heart against potential harm.

Next, I apply concealer to camouflage perceived flaws. Although I’d like to believe that the concealer hides these imperfections from others, I suspect that they still shine through. The foundation that follows helps blend my skin tones, creating a smooth and flawless facade. However, regardless of how much concealer and foundation I wear, I don’t think I can truly conceal the side of myself I desperately want to hide—the side that desires to appear composed and self-assured. I strive to be a master illusionist, but as quickly as a new friend “read me,” I realize I’m not as skilled at concealing as I had hoped.

After concealer and foundation, I apply bronzer and blush. These items contribute to the illusion of a healthy and youthful appearance. Adding a sun-kissed glow to the forehead and contouring under the cheekbones creates contrast and interest. A touch of color on the cheeks completes this part of the mask I present to the world. I’ve always aimed for a natural and subtle look, avoiding excessive makeup that appears caked on or artificial. However, the other mask I wear is most likely easier to detect than I would like. Perceptive individuals can admire the effort I put into it but still discern the subtle wrinkles, imperfections, and insecurities that fear produces.  

In my makeup routine, I then focus on the eyes, often considered the “window to the soul.” Applying eyeshadow, liner, and mascara adds a touch of mystery. All the while, I hope that this curtain will discourage anyone from delving too deeply inside. Sometimes, I even apply a bit of color to my lips, attempting to divert attention.  All in an attempt to hide from those who scrutinize too closely and notice the cracks in my mask or the pain reflected in my eyes.

But alas, I desperately want to stop hiding behind the mask.  As I embark on a new and exciting journey, I pray that those who choose to accompany me will challenge, encourage, and demonstrate patience with me.

Really??

I am astonished by how perceptive others can be, effortlessly discerning what I have strived so hard to conceal. Regardless of my tireless efforts to overcome the challenges I faced as a child, certain individuals effortlessly detect that my healing journey is not yet complete. I have developed coping mechanisms and mastered the art of presenting a composed front, but deep inside, that wounded child still carries immense pain. Even at 65, despite intermittent counseling throughout the years, that little girl remains terrified of feeling unlovable. From a young age, I learned that I could not depend on adults to shield me or offer love and affection. I made the decision to destroy the letter my mother sent me after I revealed my sexual abuse. However, the words “You should have kept your mouth shut” remain indelibly etched in my memory. Perplexingly, my mother wonders why establishing a relationship with her and my father is so challenging for me. I may sound bitter and angry, but no one truly comprehends the extent of my efforts to overcome and nurture a connection with my parents, only to be met with indifference. Surprisingly, even individuals with whom I have had brief conversations can perceive that my childhood trauma has not been fully resolved. My initial instinct is to retreat and protect the remnants of my defenses, but I refuse to let fear dictate my actions this time. Instead, I am determined to embrace the unspoken challenge and embrace openness and transparency.

Boundaries

It has become abundantly clear to me that I need to learn how to establish and maintain clear boundaries, keeping the principles of STP (Setting, Testing, and Presenting boundaries) in mind. While the concept of setting boundaries may appear straightforward, I struggle not only with defining them but also with enforcing and expressing them. Growing up without clear boundaries has made this process more difficult than I initially anticipated.

A recent incident served as a loud and clear reminder that I must establish and clearly communicate my boundaries. It is important for me to recognize that setting boundaries is not a rude act towards others but rather a way to facilitate healthy relationships. It is unfair to expect individuals in a relationship with me to intuitively understand my boundaries. As the saying goes, “you teach people how to treat you,” and this holds particularly true at the beginning of any relationship.

Moreover, I need to embrace the idea that boundaries are an expression of self-love and self-care, catering to both my physical and emotional well-being. It is crucial to accept that boundaries can evolve, with some requiring firmness while others can be more flexible. Additionally, I must grant myself the permission to establish new boundaries whenever I feel uncomfortable or uneasy about a situation.

Equally important is the need to assertively communicate and clarify boundaries when someone unintentionally infringes upon them. In the past, my inclination towards “southern” manners has allowed people to overstep, disregard, or even trample my boundaries, all while I smiled and pretended everything was fine. To those who have unintentionally crossed a boundary that I failed to clearly define, I sincerely apologize for any unintended consequences they may have faced due to my reactions.

In summary, I recognize the significance of learning how to set, test, and present clear boundaries in my interactions. Through this process, I strive to cultivate healthier relationships, prioritize self-care, and ensure that my boundaries are respected and understood by others

Making Changes

In my pursuit of self-awareness, I am unraveling the patterns I have woven throughout my life. While various factors have influenced my choices, it is evident that I have repeatedly gravitated towards a similar type of man, albeit with different names and addresses. The realization that time is short at 65 years of age, I have decided to embrace the remaining third of my life with purpose, with to goal of contentment, and fulfillment. To achieve this, understanding the reasons behind my past decisions holds value; however, what truly matters is developing fresh strategies to break free from these detrimental patterns. In my upcoming posts, I will focus on the task of transforming these patterns that have adversely impacted my life. Hopefully and prayerfully effecting positive change and newfound joy.